2013 Summer Film Review: In Haiku

Hello, my sweet friends.

It’s been a cray summer…and yes, I meant to write “cray”. 


(I am old and ironic—live in my paradox, bitches.)

The days of this season have poured together into one fluid river of time and memory and I have been drowning in every delicious drop of it all—

I’ve read less than I meant to, listened to far more music that I could really afford to purchase, seen tons of films, reconnected with old friends, made a few new friends, and...essentially... tried to spend each day finding the laughter and attempting to take the sweetest bite out of everything that was placed upon my plate.

In this same vein, I thought I’d play with something new—

For those who have requested my thoughts on the films I’ve seen (but to honor those who would like me to be more truncated in my responses…yes, I know I talk too much and post far too often), I give to you…a compromise!  

(And who said old dogs couldn't learn new tricks???)

Consider this a concentrated sampling of the madness in my mind—

May I present, my summer film reviews…

...in stunning HD haiku, the deceptively simple, ancient Japanese poetry in seventeen syllables, in three lines of five, seven, and five. 

Plant your tongues firmly in your cheeks and let’s give it a go, shall we?

 

 

 

“The Great Gatsby: My Review in Five Haiku”

DiCaprio: good.

Joel Edgerton: amazing.

Luhrmann: in control.

 

Not as frenetic

as Moulin Rouge (no seizures!)

True adaptation.

 

Green light should mean “go”…

 

but valleys of ashes blind.
 

(This shit writes itself—)

 

Respect: “So we beat

on, boats against the current,

borne back ceaselessly

 

into the past.” Damn.

 

Fitzgerald was a wizard.

 

Ouch. Dat green light, tho.

 

 
 

“This is the End: My Review in Three Haiku”

One hundred seven

 

minutes of meta wisdom

 

church could not provide.

 

Franco and Rogen

 

Face revelations with weed

 

and hilarity.

 

Just be good and kind

And know that Michael Cera

is your fucking god.

 

 
 

 

“Man of Steel: My Review in Three Haiku”

Christ mythology

on overload—however,

Henry Cavill?  Yum.

 

Michael Shannon, too.

Intergalactic effects—

but loud and cliché.

An hour too long, but

I mentioned Henry Cavill?

(He wears thermal shirts.)

 

 
 

“Fast and the Furious Six: My Review in One Haiku”

Sucks; surprise, surprise.

Sexy cars; but aging stars

must need cash for coke.

 



 

 

 

“Star Trek Into Darkness: My Review in Two Haiku”

Chris Pine makes me squint.

 

And Zach Quinto makes me pine.

 

(See what I did there?)

Trekkies may hiss, but

 

popcorn films like this one rule.

 

(Why?  Because— Kha-aaaaan.)

 

 

 

 

“Monsters University: My Review in Three Haiku”

All you will get from

 

unnecessary prequels

 

is a laugh or two.

 

The adventures of

 

Mike and Sully in college?

 

Quite tame for monsters.

 

Art is my favorite.

But Van Wilder was better.

(Just not for your kids.)

  

“The Heat: My Review in Three Haiku”

Bullock plays stiff cop
 
McCarthy’s so bad she’s gold
 
Heaven’s vulgar gift—



One gets made over

One gets all the laughs—guess who?

Eddie Murphy-lite.

But with vaginas.

Beverly Hills Cop in drag.

 

Laughs will bust your nuts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Despicable Me 2: My Review in Two Haiku”

Kid flicks get old fast

When not inventive or new.

A sad irony—

 

But for the minion,

The delight of the first film,

Is now formula.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“The Conjuring: My Review in Four Haiku” 

 

 

Better the first time,

 

When it was “Amityville”—

 

But not bad at all.

 

70’s fashion

And cinematography

Make up for a lot.

 

(Possession ain’t cool,

 

‘cept 16 millimeter

 

and in bell bottoms.)

 

The Kardashians

Frighten me more than this film

...but, damn, that doll, yo.

 

 

 

 

“World War Z: My Review in Four Haiku”

Zombie tropes abound

 

Twenty Eight Days Later broke

 

Ground for World War Z.

 

Earnest dad’s journey

Suspends audience languor;

Viral undead race.

 

Worth the ticket price

To see zombies build towers

And Pitt drink Pepsi.

 

Is anything new?

 

Perhaps in the solution—

 

The cure that infects.

 

 

 

So...silly?  Yes.

That's the point.

This summer has been about finding the moments and making them last...especially the laughs.

That's it for now...but there are still a few weeks left. 

Check back and I'll keep you poetically updated on my thoughts—